(Well, unless you are literally underwater that is.)
I had mentioned before how I hadn’t breathed in almost 17 years!! Talking about waiting to exhale. I had been holding my breath.
This is cliche.
I know it is, but it’s the truth. I hadn’t been breathing.
I was so afraid of making someone mad, or afraid that I would end up alone. I was afraid that I wasn’t doing something right, afraid that I wasn’t doing enough. I was so afraid of living my life in a way that would make me happy, so afraid that the thought of a breath leaving my body that someone hadn’t given me permission to breath, so afraid that it made me want to just stop breathing. I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to breath. It was as if I equated breathing to happiness. What if I ended up happy and no one gave me permission to be? Could I keep all the happiness I had acquired? Would I be punished and made to give the happiness back? I just didn’t think I had the right to take that deep breath. You know the one where afterwards your shoulders slope forward and you smile. All the tension leaves your body and your just in that moment. What gave me the right to want a breath so deep? What gave me the right to want to be happy?
Well, now I take a deep breath, breaths so deep that my lungs hurt from the inhalation. I breath deep every second I get. While writing this post, I have taken more deep breaths than I can count. Why? Because, I am worth every single deep breath I take!