My past haunts me like a ghost. Whenever I feel myself moving forward and allowing me to be happy, I have a memory of something that went wrong in the past. Maybe a name of someone or an episode that occurred. Something to remind me that things fail and not to get to happy or expect anything better than what I’ve received in the past. Like a rerun of a tv show that I don’t like watching.
I try to focus on the lessons learned but sometimes I just can’t. I begin to second guess every decision I make and I start to doubt my progress. After all I’ve done I can’t deserve happiness. Being happy can’t be this easy.
I am happy. I really am. I have a job that allows for growth. I feel my spirituality growing and I have good solid relationships. All those things that I prayed for. I am truly blessed and highly favored. I can name two really good positive people that I could call right now and talk to. Those two people not expecting nothing in return, but they are generally concerned for me and want me to be happy.
Now that I think of it, I can name more than five people that have my best interest at heart and always give me the best advice.
I go to work and I leave feeling as if I have accomplished something. I no longer feel like I am wasting my days.
Church completes me. Whenever I am in the house of the Lord I feel whole. I leave with that same feeling. When I pray I know God hears my prayers.
So I really had to ask myself where do those feelings of my past come from. If I am happy and loving life, why do I suddenly get sad and reminiscence on yesteryears?
I don’t miss those years. I don’t miss those people that surrounded me.
I think it’s fear.
Not fear of the past, but fear of who I was created to be. I haven’t even began to walk in my purpose yet and it scares me that I may not be good enough. Look at all those mistakes I made, what if I fail at being who I was designed to be?
I should know better right? I know that wherever God leads me, he has already cleared a path for me to walk on. I shouldn’t fear the greatness inside of me…..but I do. My past does not define me, it helped shape me, but it isn’t me.
Still though, human nature always whispers in my ear. What if?