(Well, unless you are literally underwater that is.)
I had mentioned before how I hadn’t breathed in almost 17 years!!
I had been holding my breath.
I was afraid of making someone mad, afraid that they wouldn’t want to be my friend and I would end up friendless.
Afraid that I wasn’t doing something right.
Afraid that I wasn’t doing enough.
I was so afraid that the thought of a breath leaving my body that someone hadn’t given me permission to breath made me want to just stop breathing.
I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to breath.
It was as if I equated breathing to happiness.
What if I took a breath so deep and it filled me with so much joy that I floated away?
What had I done in life to earn a breath that deep? What gave me the right to want to be happy?
So I stopped breathing.
I held every single breath inside of me. I held it so long that it hurt.
My lungs were at the point of bursting.
It hurt so much that finally my soul said “fuck this”. Then it made me breath.
I breathed a breath so deep, that my mind became fuzzy, my legs became wobbly and I forgot why I had stopped breathing in the first place.
I saved myself.
Now when I breath, I take a deep breath, breaths so deep that my lungs hurt from the inhalation. I breath deep every second I get.
I deserve happiness.
I breathe deep to remind myself that I DESERVE THIS!
I deserve joy.
I deserve to breath.
And, I am worth every single deep breath I take!